Rebuilding Us: Marriage Podcast

Rethinking Intimacy & Redefining Sex- with Sheila Wray-Gregoire   There’s a big misconception that sex = intimacy. We even call sexy lingerie “intimates,” and refer to our action between the sheets as intimacy. But what if we actually need to redefine sex and rethink intimacy? The truth is you can have sex without being intimate (think one-night stands), and you can develop intimacy without sex (think a celibate, romantic relationship). If we have a shot at learning how to truly develop intimacy in our marriages and relationships, we have to get very clear on this point. I wanted to have this conversation with popular blogger, author, and speaker, Sheila Wray-Gregoire, because not only is she amazing, but she has been a great teacher in helping couples to develop real intimacy in their marriages. Sheila is straight up. She holds no punches, and she will have your eyebrows raised for half this interview because what she shares is a much-needed dose of reality for those of us who are trying to build true intimacy in our marriages. Away with the “Churchisms” My last podcast episode focused on what the church forgot to tell us about sex. Sadly, I see and hear from many Christians who have been invariably indoctrinated to believe that virginity equals purity and consent goes out the window once you get married. Let’s talk about it. The Purity Culture Sheila and I discussed how harmful the “purity culture” can be to say, a victim of sexual assault or someone who has made past mistakes concerning sex. With a generation of shame-filled saints, it’s no wonder true intimacy becomes a concept to be embraced but never enjoyed. Neither the sins you commit nor the ones committed against you make you impure. Having sex outside of marriage doesn’t make you any more impure than binge-eating (greed and gluttony), cheating on your taxes (lying) or buying that too-expensive house to impress your co-workers (covetousness). I’m reminded of the beautiful promise of Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, and let us reason together, “says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” It’s Jesus, not whether or not we wear a purity ring, who makes us pure. Redefining Sex and What it Takes to Create Intimacy Let’s get back to basics. How do you define sex? Sheila encourages us to think beyond vaginal intercourse when thinking about sex. Think broader. Sex is more than that. I can tell you there are many sexually frustrated married folks who are bored or unfilled with sex because they have a limited view of what sex actually is. This is dangerous because it gives room for married people to turn their eyes on another instead of each other. If only they knew to prioritize intimacy instead. As we began to wrap up our conversation, Sheila and I talked about how porn is affected women at higher rates and we discuss the link between pornography and sex trafficking. If you are struggling with porn, please seek help. There are much better and healthier ways to spice up your sex life than porn. I pray this episode will help you to rethink and rekindle intimacy as you learn to redefine sex in your marriage.   Resources: Sheila’s blog: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum! Sheila’s books (discussed on the podcast): The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; The Great Sex Rescue(available March 21, 2021) Sheila’s podcast: Bare Marriage   Feeling stuck in your marriage or relationship, let’s work together. Schedule your discovery call today at http://danache.com/coaching.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex – with Mark & Dawn Lawrence Dear Listener, let me preface this episode by saying that as a pastor, I realize I represent the church. But I’m a member, too. And I, too, have been disappointed with what the church has (and mostly hasn’t) taught about sex. These gaping holes in our formation have stifled and shamed many believers into secrecy. And we all know, secrecy is where the enemy does his best work. I wanted to have a conversation with a married couple who I know embodies the wonder and wisdom of the Christian faith and whose personal lifestyle echoes their commitment to each other. Meet Pastor Mark and Dr. Dawn Lawrence. I’ve known the Lawrences for over 20 years, and the genuine love and affection they have for one another is contagious. They are such a great team, and I’m delighted to have them on the podcast today. Here’s what we’re not going to do. We aren’t here to bash the church. We aren’t here to call out any specific church leader. And we aren’t here to hide behind old traditions and man-made doctrines. We want to uncover what God says about sex and how he meant for us to enjoy it. Take Me to Church If you are still trying to make sense of how sex and church belong in the same sentence, you are the perfect listener for this podcast. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful gift that God gives to his married children. So, if it’s a gift, why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more churches working diligently to prepare singles for this lifetime commitment? Do we expect people to just figure marriage out on their own? The church’s job is to disciple (or train) believers in the ways of God. And sex is not an exception. Lies We’ve Believed About Sex If I were to ask you to write a list of all the lies you’re believing, your list would probably be pretty short. The problem is most of us don’t realize we’re believing a lie. If we knew it was a lie, we wouldn’t believe it! Now, put on your thinking cap and ask yourself if what you’ve been taught about sex is producing good fruit (or results) in your life? If not, chances are it’s a lie. And we’re here to uproot some lies on this podcast today. Some points that stuck out to me from this episode were: Lies and secrets are the enemies of intimacy. When you say “I do,” that means I do you, and you do me, exclusively. Marriage is for more than just pro-creation. Be honest with your sexual needs. Most people don’t have what they want because they aren’t willing to be honest. People are watching your lifestyle. What are you showing them? Stay curious and keep discovering your spouse. God is watching you when you have sex (LOL. I had to throw that one in there!) After 35 years, the Lawrences are still trying new things. Now, that’s what I’m talking about. The fact that this long-married couple is still trying new things, still discovering each other is inspirational. Take a listen to the podcast to glean from all the wisdom they shared.   Resources: Raising them Special by Mark & Dr. Dawn Lawrence Sex Begins in the Kitchen by marriage and family therapist Dr. Kevin Leman   Got relationship questions? Send ‘em my way: QandA@DanaChe.com Do you feel stuck in your marriage or relationship? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me today.Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

What is Maintenance Sex and Should You Be Having It? When I first heard the term “maintenance sex,” I was like I have got to see what this is all about! What I learned is that it’s not unlike the regular, scheduled maintenance that we do for our cars. Think about it like regular sex checkups for your marriage. Sadly, many married couples pay more attention to their cars while neglecting their sexual intimacy. This ain’t cool, my friends. Just like a car will break down without proper maintenance, so will your marriage. “But what if I just am not in the mood for sex?” You might ask. We covered this topic at length on the last podcast episode. I mentioned it then, and I’ll mention it now . . . love seeks the betterment of the other, not yourself. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself; it means you don’t only love yourself. Scheduling Sex A good way to keep your sexual intimacy on track might be by scheduling sex. I just lost some of you right there, huh? Don’t knock it until you try it! There are lots of couples who have found that this works for their marriage. As a matter of fact, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, who were guests on a previous episode: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage are big proponents of scheduling sex. Personally, I see both pros and cons. One thing is for certain: that level of intentionality is wise. Too many couples think having a great sex life is just something that comes naturally. But honey, you’ve got to work at this! What Husbands Think About Maintenance Sex They love it! Enough said! Seriously though, most men do not need a lot of emotional “warm-up” to engage sexually. Like a car, they’re ready to go as soon as they get turned on. Women, on the other hand, often don’t believe that maintenance sex is romantic, so they tend not to do it. I would encourage every wife to ask your husband what he feels about having sex to simply keep the connection going in the marriage. I can almost guarantee you he’ll be on board!   Resources: Listen to Spontaneous vs Scheduled Sex: One Extraordinary Marriage Register for the Making Love Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che Get more info on marriage or relationship coaching with Dana CheSupport the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Mood: When You’re Not in the Mood for Sex (All About Sex Series) Let’s talk about sex, baby! It’s not just a song that R&B group Salt-n-Pepa sang in the 90’s. Getting in the mood for sex is a daily battle many married people face. Sex can become just one more thing on our to-do lists, and combined with illness, unforgiveness, insecurities, and the like, sex can become a daunting task in marriage. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? What if you could not only address the issues of why you’re not in the mood for sex, but overcome some of the challenges that are causing a divide between the sheets? In today’s podcast episode, I am going to unpack several causes of us not being “in the mood,” and give you some practical tips on how to get your mind, body, heart, and environment prepared. Reasons You May Not Feel in the Mood for Sex Busyness – It’s time to tackle that never-ending to-do list and create some margin in your life. Your marriage deserves your time and attention. Let me say it another way . . . your sexual intimacy deserves your time and attention. Don’t foster a sexless marriage because of doing too much. Insecurities – Whether it’s a weight issue, past hurts, or plain ol’ lies we’re believing about ourselves, insecurities can have a field day in our minds and cause disconnection between spouses. If you’re struggling with negative thoughts, it’s time you let those go. Don’t allow your insecurities to rob you of a vibrant sexual relationship with your spouse. Unforgiveness – We talked extensively about unforgiveness in episode 13 of the podcast, so go back and listen to that if need be. If you’re carrying an offense against your spouse, you won’t likely be in the mood for sex or be able to initiate or receive intimacy from him/her. Bad Religion – Raise your hand if your church talked openly and favorably about sex as you were growing up. Oftentimes, what we learned (or didn’t learn) as children in church or at home negatively affects our sexual intimacy as adults. It’s time to weed out those incorrect teachings. Depression – If you are dealing with depression, it’s time to seek professional help. Emotional intimacy is nearly impossible when you’re facing the emotional trauma of depression. So, take care of your mental health. Poor health – Obviously there are times when we get sick and are unable or uninterested in sex. If you need to see your primary care physician due to prolonged illness or symptoms that keep you from being in the mood for sex, please do so. Many health-related problems, including low libido and low testosterone can be remedied if you’re willing to address them. Selfishness – I saved the worst for last. Some married people aren’t suffering, they’re just selfish. A Scripture to help guard against selfishness is Philippians 2:4, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." I’m going to let that sit right there. Quick Tips to Get in the Mood for Sex Now that’s we’ve discussed reasons why some married people struggle with being in the mood for sex, it’s time to talk about some quick tips for overcoming the mood issue and readying ourselves to change. Music – music is a powerful motivator and affects our emotions. Turn on something that will have you thinking of your honey in the most delectable ways. Focus – Some of us need to learn how to focus our attention on our spouses; not the kids, the laundry, our friends’ issues, post-election news, etc. Environment – It’s hard to feel in the mood for sex with a dirty, cluttered environment. Clean your room! Get that clutter out of that backseat (You know car sex is still a thing, right?). Make your space inviting and intimate. Communication – Maybe you just need to have a conversation about your sex life with your spouse and what’s keeping you from being in the mood for sex. If so, don’t put it off any longer.   Sex isn’t the only part of marriage, but it’s a big, important part. Employ some of the suggestions from this podcast and get yourself in the mood for sex. Your spouse is waiting! Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss one single episode!      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at <

#MarriageGoals for 2021 It’s the end of 2020, ya’ll! Aren’t we glad?! As we prepare to start a new year, we should all have some new marriage goals. Today's episode will help you to be intentional about the marriage you want and deserve. It’s been said that most people don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan. If you want a great marriage, it won’t happen by chance. Great marriages happen by choice. I am looking forward to building a great marriage. Aren’t you? This episode details five marriage goals I am focusing on for 2021 including: Pray for my husband daily. I pray for my husband every day, but I mean, I want to really pray for him daily. I want to become more intentional in lifting him up to the Lord and covering him more than I have before. Husbands and wives, we have the extraordinary privilege and responsibility to pray for our spouses. If we don’t, who will? Have consistent pillow talks at night Pillow talks are when you and your spouse lay on your pillows at night and talk about your highs and lows . . . the good things and the not so good that happened in your day. It’s an intimate time of connection that can help you sort out your feelings and nip any issues in the bud. Start weekly meetings I admit, weekly “meetings” sounds so formal. But in planning them, we can focus on the nitty-gritty, ordinary issues of family life like finances, groceries, children’s schedules, etc. You should strive to not talk about these topics on your weekly date nights. Save it for your weekly meetings. Have weekly date nights Shaun and I have always dated throughout our marriage, but I can’t say we do this every single week. In 2021, one of my marriage goals is to be more consistent with our weekly date nights. You can date just about anywhere. Check out this article for fun date night ideas. Plan three couples’ getaways for the year Getting away together is so important. I don’t know many couples, however, who are intentional about going away. As a matter of fact, I would say the vast majority of married people rarely vacation alone together. My final marriage goal of 2021 is to plan three getaways for Shaun and me. These don’t have to be expensive or grand, but consistent alone time is crucial for a healthy marriage. I want to encourage you to make some marriage goals for your relationship as well. No matter what happened in the past, you can begin again today. You can choose to have the marriage you want and deserve. Maybe one of your marriage goals is to work on your sex life. We will dive right in to this topic in season three of the podcast - Maximizing Your Sex Life. Stay tuned!   Resources mentioned this episode:  Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che   Books: 31 Days of Prayer for My Husband book by Jennifer Smith Marriage Fitness book by Mort Fertel Conversation Starters for Couples book by Rich & Deanna Millentree Romancing Your Husband book by Debra White Smith Subscribe to Real Relationship Talk On Apple On Google on Spotify.   Like this podcast? Write a review on Apple or write a review on Android so others can grow their relationships like you!Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

How to Be Heard in Your Marriage or Relationship When Shaun and I first got married, we struggled so much with our communication and wondered how to be heard by the other. So, Shaun came up with the brilliant idea to begin a communication notebook to help us verbally process our feelings with one another. It was a chance to express our feelings without interruption. It also allowed us to be honest with one another without fear of being misunderstood. In this episode, we're sharing creative solutions on how to be heard in your marriage or relationship to stop back-and-forth misunderstandings and ineffective communication.  Oftentimes we can’t move forward in our marriages or relationships because of communication barriers. Depending on your communication style, one spouse may need more time to process their emotions while the other spouse may be quick to respond. The key to being heard in your marriage or relationship is allowing grace for each person to communicate how they are wired best and truly making an effort to hear not only what’s being said, but the heart behind what’s being said. Parenting Issues If you are married with kids, you have surely experienced disagreements with how to be heard by your spouse when you disagree with each other’s parenting styles or decisions. This can be so tricky because each spouse has their own perspective, values, and ways of doing things. If you’re not careful, your children can come between you, driving a deeper wedge in your communication. To combat this, Shaun and I decided long ago that it’s us against the kids. We love our kids, of course, but we are careful to not allow them to come between our relationship. If one parent is the stronger disciplinarian, the other parent has to decide if you want to be right or if you want to be reconciled. Do you want your parenting issues to actually become communication issues between you and your spouse? Choose to back your spouse, especially in front of the kids. If necessary, the two of you can have a further discussion out of their earshot at a later time to discuss the situation further. At the end of the day, we all want to be heard. We all want our voices and feelings to matter. It is my hope that after you listen to this episode, you will feel more confident in allowing your voice to be heard and hearing the voice of your spouse, and becoming creative with solutions that will better your marriage.   Resources:   Register --> Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – Couples Workshop   Listen --> Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing in Your Marriage or Relationship   Rate & Review --> Real Relationship Talk Podcast  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

How to Like Your Spouse When You Don’t Love Your Spouse   Do you ever wonder why you chose your husband or wife? You know you should love your spouse, but you don’t even like them. This episode is going to dive right into a thought that most married people have had at one point or another. “How can I love my spouse when I don’t even like him?” Truth be told, our feelings are fickle, and you should never allow your feelings alone to make decisions for you. You did like your spouse at some point. Remember? I can totally relate to the feeling, though. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him with love again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much. The fact that we are still married (and going strong at that) 21 years later is a testament to the wonder and faithfulness of God! A Dangerous Prayer I remember back to five years or so into our marriage, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way. God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. Because love without risk isn’t love at all. In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat. In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. We talked a great deal about unforgiveness in Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships. Be sure to listen to that one.   You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.   In the meantime, keep listening to this podcast, and be sure to write me your questions to QandA@danache.com.   Do you need more support in your marriage? Give marriage coaching a try. I work with “solo spouses” and married couples alike.   Learn more about my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

The way to fix your marriage problems is simpler than you think. Stop focusing on the problems in your marriage and start creating connection instead. When I heard marriage expert Mort Fertel say this in his program, Marriage Fitness, I was confused. How could my marriage change if I stopped trying to fix the problems that were destroying it? Could he be just another person promoting another program that would leave me in the same condition I was . . . hopeless? As I began listening to Mort’s wisdom and following the steps to “fixing my marriage problems” that he outlined in his program, Marriage Fitness, things did begin to change. I became more peaceful, powerful, and purposeful in the decisions I made in my marriage. Years later, after launching the Real Relationship Talk podcast, I knew I had to have Mort on the show. Why Most Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work Mort does not believe the way most counselors provide marriage counseling works. He actually says, “The worst day of the week for many married couples is the day they go to marriage therapy together.” Can you relate? The reason, he says, is because the key to solving marital crisis isn’t in fixing what’s wrong (fixing your marriage problems), but in making new things right. Making new connections with your spouse is actually fun, productive, and far more effective than rehashing what’s wrong all the time. Married couples need to know that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. This shouldn’t be shocking. The best athletes, doctors, and professionals in the world all have coaches and intense training. Why should marriage be any different? If you want to fix your marriage problems and make your marriage last, you must be willing to commit to making new connections and building new habits. The core problem of every marriage is the same—a lack of connection. So work on that instead. The Truth about Fixing Your Marriage The truth about marriage is often painful, and many couples would rather go around in circles rather than being honest about how to fix their marriage. Yet, the key to having a great marriage isn’t in finding the right person (or trying to make your spouse better), but in becoming the right person (bettering yourself).   For more information on Mort Fertel and his marriage fitness program, visit https://marrriagefitness.com. To work with me as your marriage coach or for info on upcoming events, visit http://danache.com/coaching.    Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

  Did you know that shame is one of the silent killers of relationships? Many people deal with shame and don’t know it or don’t acknowledge its presence in their lives. Left unattended, shame causes disconnection, isolation, and destruction in our lives, marriage, and relationships. Why do so many people deal with shame? The answer is also the problem. They hide it. Truth be told, you can’t fix what you won’t face. Shame causes us to hide our true selves. We hide our emotions, needs, pain, and weaknesses from others, and sadly, some of us even hide these things from ourselves. In this podcast episode, we will uncover the work of shame in our lives and uncover ways to become more vulnerable. My husband, Shaun, joins me yet again for today’s conversation and as I stated in the intro, things got a little tense as we dug deeper into some of the areas shame has made its mark on our marriage. Knowing that you are suffering from shame is only half the battle. Once you realize its hold on you, it’s time to dismantle it. To help with this, I share four practices that helped me tremendously in my battle against shame: Reflection – Ask yourself the hard questions . . . When did I start feeling this way? What happened? Who told me I should be ashamed of myself? Empathy – We know that empathy is putting ourselves in the shoes of another and feeling someone’s pain. It’s very similar to grace. We often don’t show ourselves grace. When we learn to treat ourselves kinder, we will dismantle a lot of shame’s hold on our lives. Courage – Brene Brown says that, “Courage comes from a word meaning ‘heart.’ To live with courage, you need to be willing to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I couldn’t agree more. We uncover and dismantle shame when we are willing to face the truth of who we really are. Affirmations – Knowing who you really are should be enlightening and encouraging! You are not your mistakes. You are not your past. You are who God says you are! Learning the truth of who you are in Christ makes all the difference in the world. Find out what He says about you and begin to say those same words over yourself. As we do the “heart work” of uncovering shame and discovering vulnerability, all of our relationships will change. You just watch.   Upcoming . . . Married ladies, I’d love to see you at our upcoming workshop: Married Women’s Rights & Wrongs on December 15th. Join us LIVE in-person or online. Tickets are on sale now at http://danache.com/coaching. Be sure to register today!   Next week’s podcast episode features marriage expert, Mort Fertel, author of the book Marriage Fitness.   Let’s stay in touch! Follow me on Instagram or Facebook.   Have a question about your marriage or relationship? Email me at QandA@danache.com.      Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Did you know that couples who vacation together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who don’t? Could it be that getting away actually helps keep you together? Ustravel.org reports that “Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires. Shaun and I had only been married a few years when we decided we were going to prioritize vacations in our relationship. What a difference it has made! Life is busy and is full of mundane, ordinary responsibilities. When you go away together, you rekindle something, something that is so easily lost in the everyday hustle and bustle of life. Even vacationing with your children can be therapeutic . . . I’m being serious. Family bonding works wonders for your marriage as well. In this podcast, I share several travel tips that have helped Shaun and me to save money while still prioritizing our commitment to vacation. Tips like: Using the Hopper app to save time on booking airline flights Booking through the hotel or resort directly Searching for unadvertised deals Being flexible with your dates And one supercalifragilisticexpialidocious travel tip that you must listen to the podcast episode to glean! No matter how or when or how much money you save when you vacation, take it from Nike, and JUST DO IT! Your marriage and your family deserve it! Have a relationship or marriage question you’d like me to answer? Email me at qanda@danache.com. And be sure to check out my relationship coaching packages and events at http://danache.com/coaching.  Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.